if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
