He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
