it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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