On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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