I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
