Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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