When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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