I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Randomize
