When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
