I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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