Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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