Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
