I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
