I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
