I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize