hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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