The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
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