My boss' voice literally gives me gas
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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