I want to stick my p in your. b.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
