um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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