The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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