awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
