I feel like I'm in dance class right now
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
