So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
