Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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