He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
