Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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