I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
