I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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