I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's rum buckets o'clock
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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