it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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