my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
