I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
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