i was born a porn star she said
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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