Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
