I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
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