Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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