Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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