Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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