I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
