he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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