my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
