Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
