i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
