I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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