walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
