I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Randomize
