that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
operation harelip BJ is a go
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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