my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
