i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
do nipples grow back?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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